by Rebekah Nightsong
As a crone, I have broken up with many folks, and many folks have broken up with me. Some of those were easy and natural. We both understood that the time had come. Others were tortuous. So, the question isn’t really about ending a relationship, but about being enmeshed with another person to the point where it becomes painful and unhealthy. Specifically, what does a person do when they find themselves unable to let go, unable to give their partner or their friend the freedom to be their own person and live their own life?
I want to honor that almost always there is something deeper going on. When you feel that call in your heart that feels, really, like you are going to die without the other person, let that be a red flag that there is something deeper going on. Many times, Taren and Kevin alluded to the idea that this tight grasp upon another person is a symptom of something deeper. Maybe is personal worthiness. Maybe you are in grief. There could be a myriad of things going on. I want to empower you to seek help to assuage these underlying issues. Nobody is free of these. I have underlying issues. We can’t get through this life without them. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to reach out and get help.
That will take time and there are many things to be done now. I don’t like to think of these things as a to do list to un-enmesh. Rather, I look at these as tools on your road to becoming a person who is enmeshed with only his/herself and the Goddess.
1. Start repeating – "I cannot control his/her behavior either positively or negatively.” Really sit with this idea. Nothing you say, do, emote, etc. will cause another person to behave the way you want them to. They may respond to your behavior, but they will respond how they want. In my worst times, this mantra was key. The more I sat with it, the more I became my own entity. The only person you get to control is you.
2. Argue with the words that keep you enmeshed – If you are enmeshed, you have a record player….for my millennial witch friends, a vine, in your head that speaks every time you consider letting go. Listen for that voice. It is there. When you hear it, empower another part of your mind to question this assumption. So, if you keep repeating “But I love him.” Your next thoughts may be, “Do I really love him? What do I love about him? If I could pick someone to love, would it be him? If you keep repeating “I am nothing without her.” Your next thoughts might be “What am I anyway?” “What does she make me that I am not on my own?” You get the point.
3. Be kind to yourself – Get into you. During a breakup is the IDEAL time to get into how awesome you are. See if there is a place in your spirit that your can cultivate that is all you. Totally, outside of other people in the world, remind yourself of the things that make you happy. It has probably been a while since you considered your needs because you have been so wrapped up in your partners needs or “you” as a couple’s needs. Take a bath. Lock the door. Start carving out those spaces in your world. Let them grow.
4. Join a club or a group – If you are really struggling, join a 12-step group that is applicable – CODA and ALANON exist to help anyone…Witch or otherwise… to do you. There are many reasons why these make sense. Not only do they give you all sorts of resources, but they get you away from the person you want to let go of. They give you your own life with your own friends outside of the community with your ex-partner.
5. Set up a physical reminder – If your Achilles heel is texting your ex. Make your home screen say in bright letters, “It won’t be good”. Whatever your reminder is, make sure it is fully believable in your head. You must be sure that texting will result in a nightmare. When you are sure, litter your space with reminders to cease and desist.
6. Physical distance- You are going to have a harder time getting over a person when you share their energy and their space. I can’t even imagine it. If you think you can, more power to you. My experience is that space is good. Distance is better.
7. Do magick – Cast a circle. Connect to the Goddess. Enjoy what She gives.
And, one more thing… Kevin told us in the video that “No one said life was easy.” He is correct, life is filled with hardship, hunger, and pain. Suffering is inescapable. All the world religions say so, right? If only someone, something could rescue us from our suffering. The world gives us many answers…a transcendent God, video games, Another Person… But those answers are hollow. They do nothing for the root of what is going on. That is a problem that keeps us truly separated, and truly apart. That is the belief that life is not easy and we need something to help us transcend it.
Don’t get me wrong. There are a million ways and reasons why life is hard and terrible and miserable. It feels that way when we are enmeshed and hanging on tight. In that moment, you know life is about suffering. Let me posit that it doesn’t have to be like that all the time. Let me offer a crone’s advice that it is in the virtual certainty in the interconnectedness of all things that we open our tight grasp on others. It is living into the mysterious places of in between and shadow and crossroads that we meet ourselves. It is there that we see synchronicity and we see the ease of the Goddess, the ease of “you do you, Boo.” Easy is available, even to you. May you find the easy in life.
Want to hear more about, "Letting Go" check out the following video.